Lessons in Potty-training

The setting: 3 rooms, 18 children ranging in age from 5 months to 5 years, 4 adult women. Each of us has a baby in our arms. Mine is the only one not crying, but we have only achieved that state by being constantly in motion.

J, 3 year-old-girl, and Q, 2.5 year-old-boy, both have to "go potty" at the same time. Q is in a diaper, but he is insisting he wants to "go to the potty." I don't think it's that big a deal to take the both of them and baby S - I'll hold her, J and Q will go potty, and we'll all walk back to the room. First lesson of the day: it is a big deal to take two toddlers and a baby to the restroom by yourself.

We arrive, and it quickly becomes clear that Q has a diaper for a reason. He is not a seasoned pro at public pottying, like J is. First, he drops his pants and wants me to take off his shoes so he can get the pants completely off. I refuse (if for no other reason, than it is now taking two hands to keep S from squirming right out of my arms) and tell him to just pull down his diaper, too. He whips it off and throws it on the ground. Then he insists on having his shirt pulled off. Again I refuse. I just want to get this over with. S is getting squirmier by the minute.

Q turns to the toilet, which comes up almost to his chin. No way he's aiming in there. I pull a stool over with a foot and he climbs onto it, pants still around his ankles. Now I'm still holding baby S and hovering over Q willing him not to fall, 'cause I can't grab him without letting go of the baby. And this is when I learn my second lesson of the day: inexperienced pottiers, especially inexperienced boy pottiers, really ought to have their shirts taken off before pottying.

The damage is minimal though, a tiny spot really, so I shift S into "sack of potatoes" mode and whip off Q's shirt to dry.

By now J has exited her stall and wants help washing her hands. I simply cannot leave Q wobbling on his stool to help her, so I tell her she is a "big girl" and can do it herself. I talk her through it - turn on the water, soap up, rinse, dry your hands. And I am ready for my third lesson of the day: Three-year olds are very literal, and I neglected to say "roll up your sleeves." She is soaked to the elbows in her fleece sweater.

No time to deal with that now: Q decides standing is too much trouble, so he kneels on the toilet seat and wobbles on two knees and a hand while aiming with his other hand. I have to keep a close eye on him and figure out what I'm going to say to his mom if he falls in, how I am going to deal with fishing him out . I settle on shouting for someone to come help and console myself with the fact that he's mostly naked if he does fall in. He'll dry easier that way.

Finally, he gets off the toilet with no mishaps. He marches out of the stall, pants around his ankles, shirtless, and announces that he is done. J turns around to see...

She shrieks and points, "WHAT'S THAT?!"

I am momentarily speechless. s Does a nursery worker have authorization to give anatomy lessons without parental permission? How has J reached 3 in a co-ed nursery without ever seeing one before? Do I tell her the technical term or do I make up a cute term? What if it's a different cute term than the one her mom uses? So I do the best I can: I mumble incoherently and urge Q to pull up his pants QUICKLY.

Except, remember the discarded diaper? Q now has it and is offering it to me to put back on him. No way I'm putting a diaper that has recently rested on a public restroom floor on his bare bottom, not to mention that I'm not sure how I could do that with no hands anyway. I briefly consider sticking the baby under one arm and Q under the other and dashing into the nursery 4 doors down. But finally I convince Q to pull up his pants sans diaper.

Meanwhile, S has decided she's had enough of this and begins to shriek/sob as only a baby can; this is probably because I'm now holding her under one arm while I try to shove Q into his shirt with the other. J, however, is still fascinated by Q's extra part and unbuttons his pants to pull them down. I tell her no, but she is determined and tries to stick her hand down his pants. "It has to come off! We have to get it off!" she insists.

Only by promising cookies and fishy crackers am I able to get her to allow me to continue dressing Q and forget what she has seen. Lesson #4: Bribery is, as Martha Stewart would say, a good thing.